Part 2 – Mental Pain
I hate the feminine sadness because
it is the product of sexuality
Emil Cioran
Those who have read my first piece about pain in the words of a self-proclaimed masochist know that it dealt with physical pain and how I feel about it. This second part is about something much deeper and much more complicated: mental pain. Some might wonder why I am writing about it and what mental pain has to do with masochism in the context of BDSM in general. The truth is, I don’t know for sure, but, as you will see, I have found time and time again that there is an uncanny, undeniable and very fluid relation between my submissive and masochistic nature and mental pain.
Would I say that mental pain makes me happy? Does that statement make any sense? Would I say that happiness makes me feel uncomfortable and that, if prolonged, I seem to always find ways to return to mental pain, to sadness and sorrow and if there is none to be found, then I create it myself, more often than not through contrived and artificial means? All that seems counterintuitive … but is it? Just like my body craves for physical pain, which is by definition, an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience, my mind craves for sadness, sorrow and misery, these also being, again by definition, negative emotions and feelings.
I find solace and peace in sadness. I find comfort in sorrow and refuge in misery. It makes me whole; it makes me complete and, yes, it makes me feel alive. Is it sexual? Hell, yeah! Just like I sometimes cry when having a powerful orgasm. Just like excitement and arousal makes me shiver. Sorrow and misery make my mind race and my heart beat faster. For me, there is no true submission without coupled anguish. Abandonment of myself, surrender and sacrifice, that wonderful state of mind always brings a blissful sadness with it. I cannot imagine such a state while laughing heartily. Kneeling next to my Mistress, with my eyes lowered and laughing happily? That seems just as impossible as laughing while having an orgasm. Even such common fetishes like humiliation, degradation, shame or neglect, aren’t they an expression of the same craving for mental pain? Being publicly humiliated, isn’t that mentally painful? Why do we like it, if not because we crave for mental pain just as we crave for physical pain?
There is even more to it, though. Putting the needs of others above my own, to the point of suffering for them turns me on. When facing difficulties or painful situations, I habitually refuse to ask others for help or relief, even my own Mistress, insteadpreferring to endure the pain myself, wallowing in it. I often set or accept high or even impossible standards for myself and then set myself up for failure I cannot meet them. Several times Jadey has caught me attempting this, sometimes punishing me for her own amusement for such failure. Self-denial is another vice, i.e. neglecting my own needs or withdrawing from my grasp the things I love, I find pleasure in that too, I enjoy my own discomfort. One will never hear me say nice things about my own self or ever refute bad things, instead I will probably tell other humiliating stories or escalate my self deprecation. Self-loathing and self-criticism fuel my inner fire, they make me burn and that burning turns into gratification. Finally, when things are going too well, I have been happy or stable for too long, I must find a way to sabotage myself or the situation so I can experience those inscruitable feelings of disappointment, regret and melancholy anew.
Does this sound like a lifestyle in itself? It does, doesn’t it? And, well, maybe it should be mentioned at this juncture that it wasn’t until 2018 that the WHO removed masochism (and sadism) as psychiatric diagnosis from its classifications, and freed me from that stigma.
All this being said, there is however a major difference between physical and mental pain. Physical pain can cease in an instant. You safeword and its over. Your Master or Mistress will know your limits and stop. It can be controlled, balanced, tuned, dosed out and ultimately is ethereal. The mental pain, the sadness, the misery, the meloncholy, the lost moments and regrets, those are not easy to control. Most of the time, it takes a hold of one’s mind and doesn’t release its grip just by willing it away, like a clock that can not be turned back the memory of that pain is seared into you, easily recalled. The mind is a funny and tricky little devil. More often than not, there is no safeword for your mind. There is no safeword for sorrow and misery, for regret and meloncholy… unless… one really is conscious and mindful of one’s emotions. Able to step back and forth through that barrier in your own head. If one truly and deeply understands the workings of one’s own mind and is able to control it to such an extent that one can walk to that edge, stare down into the abyss and then turn and walk back to the light, to sanity and happiness.
Dear reader, did you ever walk up to the edge of a cliff in your mind? Stare into the abyss as your mind wonders if… you should take one more step further into that night? Well, your mind says you won't, but your heart says you might… and then… this all is your life. I’ve been there, I took that one more step, many, many times, by following my heart. In time, I learned slowly and agonisingly, to follow my mind. It took such a long time such a lot of help from people around me and… in all honesty… it still does. Nowdays, I have become a lot better at it. Now I have built my safeword for the mind. I am not afraid to use it any more. Well. At least, Most of the time …
Then again, what do I know? I am just a simple blonde trying to make my way in the universe …
Never take a ride to the edge of your mind
Unless you got a ticket back
And if you're running blind
On a refueled mind
Better watch the time
And careful you don't go too far
Jon Oliva