Pt. 1 – Physical Pain
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Three Days Grace
As a self-proclaimed masochist I often hear people say “Don’t worry, she likes it” when they see me subjected to various forms of physical pain. Be it the timeless classic impact play or the more versatile electro play, all have two things in common: they hurt and they are sexually arousing. To set one thing straight right from the start, the obvious needs to be stated. Pain is sexually arousing only in the context of bdsm play. Being electrocuted accidentally or hitting me with a cane out of the blue on the street, for example, is only painful and nothing more.
But do I really like pain? Do I enjoy pain? Do I want pain? There are no simple answers to these questions.
At the very basic level I think that one cannot really like pain, not in the basic meaning of the term like at least. The International Association for the Study of Pain (yes, there is such a scientific body) defined pain to be “an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage, or described in terms of such damage”1 Pain is registered by our brain as a distressing, unpleasant feeling. Biologically, our brain registers pain as something bad. Something against which it must protect itself. Our bodies twitch instinctively and uncontrollably when subjected to pain. Almost always there is a reflex to pull back, escape from what causes pain.
Then, what is it that makes a masochist crave pain, feel aroused by it, seek it out and cherish it? I don’t know if anybody has probed that deep into the human mind to come up with an explanation, but I know that pain makes me feel alive. I don’t like it. I don’t enjoy it. Yet I crave it and I do feel sexual pleasure when subjected to pain. One will never see this blonde laugh or be happy when flogged or when a crop dances on her breasts. Yet she has been known to orgasm from pain, particularly when it is coupled with other forms of sexual stimulation. The climax is so much more intense when pleasure is mixed with pain in a symphony of sensations that blend together in a perfect balance. It is said that some masochists cannot have an orgasm without being subjected to pain. Not me, though. I can be driven to orgasm by various stimulations, actions or states. Pain, makes it so much better, though.
Yet, for me, there’s even more to pain than sexual pleasure and this is when it all becomes tricky. Pain is an inseparable part of my submissive nature. Somehow, I feel like pain is the most powerful expression of my submission. Suffering for my partner, makes me feel fulfilled. My pain, your pleasure. When my partner feels pleasure from my pain, from inflicting pain on me, that really seems to send that dopamine racing through my body and up to my brain. Hearing my Mistress yelp when she brings that crop down on my breasts simply instantly sends me into subspace and I suspect, it is not the actual pain that does that, but the realization that the feeling is as powerful for her as it is for me.
Maybe, under its most extreme aspect, pain makes me feel alive because it feeds my self-loathing. Being hurt, degraded or humiliated are all part of my submissive mindset. Pain is inherently bad, but it is all I deserve, all I am good for and that’s why I crave for it.
Oh, dear reader, don’t you look at me like that! I am what I am, exactly what I want to be.
Does all the above mean that I love pain, that I enjoy pain? I would like to think it doesn’t. I would like to think that I am just another complex human being with strong feelings and emotions, sometimes contradictory, sometimes incomprehensible, but always true and wonderful.
Then again, I am just a simple blonde trying to make my way in the universe …